My Support Can Be Bought

I would like to go on record as being a proud, patriotic sponsor of the effort to eliminate the Frilly-Ringed Avian Underbrush Doohickey. For years I've proselytized about the need to do away with FRAUD, as it simply is a nuisance everywhere it pops up. It is an exceedingly dangerous and invasive species, not natural to North America, and I believe we should work to eradicate FRAUD with extreme prejudice. Toward that end, I am offering my substantial clout to You, dear reader. If you would like my help in doing away with FRAUD, I would proudly give You and/or Your Organization my endorsement. I will put together ads targeted directly at FRAUD, and send out multiple emails to help educate a wide audience about the abuse of FRAUD to our natural landscape. I have at my disposal 25,000 email addresses, and would gladly contact these people on your behalf at a cost of $1.39 per name, or $34,750 to implement the program.

OH! Oh, shit, wait…you don't want to pay the money? Oh. Well then. Ahem.

Dear Friends of FRAUD,

Having just discovered that my get-rich-quick scheme was flushed down the shitter by my intended dupes, I realize that I am willing to forego any scruples or even the slightest modicum of good moral standing and offer my services to you instead. I'll go on record as admitting that I was taken in by untruthful claims by those seeking to eliminate FRAUD, in exchange for which you promise not to use the press as a tool to fuck my ass, okay? I realize that I'm being a total two-faced money-whore here, but what the fuck: it happens all the time, right? I mean, if *I* didn't do it, someone else would! Er…yeah.

(Sound ridiculous? Then head on over to the American Conservative Union and see the kind of ham-fisted duplicity those total whack-knobs are engaged in. That drooping flag sigil? That's a pretty fair summation of their scruples.)