Remember That $50 Bill?

Here's what it bought for this year's Toys for Tots campaign:

Merry Christmas.

Lifestyles and Taxpayer Dollars

So, I was "lucky" enough this morning to hear a Senator opine that "no taxpayer dollars" (re: the health care debate/debacle) should be used to fund abortions, and it was that simple. Hmmm. Really? Is it really that simple? Because that seems to be a judgement against morality and lifestyle choices. By the same token, then, I want "no taxpayer dollars" going toward the following:

1) bypass surgery for some dumbass who "didn't know" that eating bacon for breakfast 7 days a week was "bad" for him;

2) chemotherapy and radiation for the lung cancer of a smoker…or, oxygen tanks for someone with emphysema who lives in/near Los Angeles;

3) insulin needles and injections for some fat bitch who wouldn't control her appetite or get off the couch to get some regular exercise;

4) a cast for a dipshit kid who shoulda oughta known better than to climb that tree;

5) dental care for any vain bastard who wants his teeth whitened;

See what I mean? You start down that slippery slope, and there's all kinds a'stuff that shouldn't be covered by taxpayer dollars in a health-insurance program. That's the problem with trying to legislate morality: you always run up against someone's competing morals.

Animal's Weight-loss Tips

Here's a surefire way to ditch some weight really fast. I tried this on Sunday, and it worked like a fuckin' dream. You just eat:

1) One (1) yogurt 4 days past it's "sell-by" date, plus

2) One (1) great big helping of free sample "seafood" salad from supermarket, full of cloying mayonnaise

Then:

1) Reserve one (1) bathroom for several hours

2) Buy one (1) disposable sponge to clean shit squirts off of toilet

3) Buy one (1) disposable brush to scrub vomit flakes out of beard

That's it! Be sure to let me know how it works for you, okay?

The (in)Conspicuous Consumer

As I really settle into the holiday shopping season, I'm reminded of how I've been trying to make this year a little less about blowing dough thoughtlessly, and a little more about keeping dough close to home, and thinking very carefully about how I spend it. Whether that ends up helping a double-dip recession or not is really beyond my care; the fact that stores really rely on people running up their charge cards this time of year kind of sickens me, anyway. So, here are some of the ways I've been a more INconspicuous consumer.

• I've been buying used items. Roz is getting a perfectly lovely Mickey-as-sorcerer's-apprentice that I found at the Mega Mall, for one. Ooohh, I loves me some Mega Mall! It's a local dive, probably 25k square feet, loaded with everything from new-oldstock to genuine antiques. I could - and often do - spend several hours in there, and when Miss Tessmacher brought up the idea of a "Mega Mall Christmas" back in the summer, I gleefully took it as my own. So, many folks on my giving list are getting things from the Mega Mall. Keeps money close to home, and doesn't contribute extra waste to the planet.

• Keeping with the local idea, I've been simply buying some things right here at home, or at least within Michigan. I used to get my snotty-ass gourmet popcorn from Crown Jewel, but I found a place outside Detroit that grows two delicious varieties, and sells them in impressively large 4-lb. bags. Yum. Likewise, I've been eschewing internet shopping in favor of buying some stuff close by, like at Target or K-Mart. Still giant corporations, but at least the workers at those stores in my area are getting their paychecks.

• I'm trying to buy less, as well. Again, if everyone does this it may well tank the economy for a second time, at least until we settle into a "new normal," but I think that actually might be healthy. When everything I pick up has a "Made in China" sticker on it, I just get a little depressed about how our great industrial machine has waned in the past few decades. This isn't as much an "anti-consumer" attitude, but more a way to tame that urge to gratify my desires immediately. I could buy the new Lita Ford CD…or, I could save the dough and ask for it as a gift. I don't really need to buy any new clothes, the ones I have are perfectly fine. Sometimes I WANT new clothes, but - like quitting smoking - if I can just keep my mind off of that want for a few minutes, it eventually fades. Then, I can go into my closet in the morning and put together a shirt, pants, tie, etc. and walk out the door. Besides, Tess' folks always load me up on sweet outfits at the holidays, anyway. NOT buying a new vest for myself from Territory Ahead means that I can focus on buying gifts for OTHER people.

I dunno. In retrospect, these things may come across more as "look how cool and savvy I am" than as genuine ideas about being a better consumer, but I mean them honestly and without irony. I've really been giving some thought to the "shop 'til you drop" mentality and, like Charlie Brown, am left wondering if that's the true spirit of the season. I like giving gifts…hell, I like getting gifts! But that shouldn't be what it's all about, economic recovery be damned. So, happy holidays, or bah-humbug…whichever you prefer.