Wabbit Season

As Supreme Emperor and Exquisite High Chancellor of the site Cranial Flatulence, I hearby declare hunting season on Republicans...OPEN!

So. Where to begin, where to begin? There's so much GOOD STUFF. (*rubs hands together wickedly*) Okay, let's take Sen. McCain's choice of soon-to-be failed candidate for the Vice-Presidency: Sarah Palin. She's set to deliver a make-or-break speech tonight in St. Paul, one presumably meant to throw off the yoke of ridiculous hypocrisy and two-facedness that has been forced upon her ever since the national media started asking more pointed questions than either her "maverick" home state newspapers OR, apparently, McCain himself. Just like all good Republicans these days, she's a firm believer in the "say-one-thing, do-sumpin'-diff'rent" school of governance.

For instance: let's look at sexual education. Palin insists that she's a firm believer in abstinence-only sex ed...in spite of the fact that simply saying "Don't!" is about the most worthless form of education that has ever been tried. She opposed proposals to spend federal money on teen-pregnancy prevention programs and voted to require poor teen mothers to stay in school or lose their benefits, writing in a 2006 questionnaire distributed among gubernatorial candidates: "The explicit sex-ed programs will not find my support." Which is now head-shakingly funny...I wonder how that's working out for her daughter these days?? Don't misunderstand me: I am not saying that the illegitimate pregnancy of her teenaged daughter is fair game for either the national media OR late-night monologues! It is - and should REMAIN - private family business. But, as an example of leadership style, it does rather demonstrate what I've said all along: when faced with the obvious failure of Decision A, a thinking person (like a liberal) would try to enact an optional Decision B. But, not those pesky conservatives! Like a bee thinking the glass will be gone "This time! This time! This time!" they just keep slamming ineffectively into the same old window. Even the quaint-but-sinister Mike Huckabee joined the throngs of Palin defenders, claiming that "I haven't seen anything that comes out about her that in any way troubles me or shakes my confidence in her." Okay, maybe not HER, Mike, but you're pretty much set against premarital sex too...it doesn't bother you that a member of her own family has gotten...well, has gotten in the family way? Are there ANY values you won't sacrifice to the God of GOP??

Ah well. At least she has an opinion, ill-educated though it may be, and she knows what it is. Compare that with Sen. McCain, who was apparently having a "senior moment" when he was asked whether he supported grants for sex education in the United States, whether such programs should include directions for using contraceptives and whether he supports President Bush's policy of promoting abstinence. His reply?

"Ahhh, I think I support the president's policy."

You THINK you support the president's policy? You THINK?!? Do you even know what that policy IS?? Who the PRESIDENT IS?!?

I suspect these moments of "fuzzy head" aren't likely to go away any time soon. To a follow-up question about whether the government should provide contraceptives or counseling on contraceptives, he replied, "You've stumped me." McCain seems to be trying to cover up his Reagan-esque "I don't remember" lapses by feigning an irritation with the question itself. In an Aug. 27 interview with Time reporters James Carney and Michael Scherer, the Senator refused to answer a question about his definition of honor.

"Read it in my books,'' McCain said. "I'm not going to define it.''

Not going to? Or CAN'T? Maybe HE should keep a few copies of that book on hand for reference during those pesky memory blackouts; having to looking up his own opinion might be embarrassing, but at least it's more believable than the thought of a decorated war hero who WON'T FUCKING DEFINE THE WORD 'HONOR'!!

Oh, I could go on and on...and, frankly, yeah, I'm going to. Because I've got my dander up now, and I'm pretty fuckin' tired of a bunch of fat-cat, corporate-controlled Republicans trying to make the argument about abortion, or gay marriage, or taxes, simply because they know, in their heart of hearts, that there IS no way to win by talking about the genuine issues in this country. They're scared, and they're shitting themselves, and I'm gonna scoop it up and rub it all around their faces. Starting now.